This is the day of love. A day of flowers and chocolate, of red lingerie, of hope that love is returned. It is the day when Cupid sends those sweet little arrows into hearts, stinging them with desire for the loved one. Children exchange those sweet little cards, that say, Be my Valentine. Teenagers receive a more serious card, whilst adults…. Well, maybe we shouldn’t go there.
For some, love is a ruin. It’s an old house with the roof falling in, with memories that stain the old wall paper. There’s been one too many rumbles in the heart, a breaking off of the tangles of sweetness that then turns into brittleness. Any thoughts of Cupid produce a shudder of horror. No, not that. Not love again.
The recent passing of the prolific Burt Bacharach reminded me of the songs of his I sang, back in the day, when I sang for my supper and rent. I’ll Never Fall in Love Again. That sweet tune is easily recalled. The lyrics were by the equally prolific, Hal David. Together, they produced a sound that was pleasing to the ear, and a joy to sing. The balance of the words with the syncopation of the music was pure genius. Their songs were easy to interpret because the duo had done their job as a creative team. Dione Warwick sang many of their songs. You could say she was a third member of this team.
Back to the song at hand. The lyrics are universal to anyone who has ever fallen hard, only to be kicked to the curb by a once-upon-a time, lover. With a love affair lying in ruin, who wants to chance it again?
The lyrics begin be asking a direct question.
What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble That's what you get for all your trouble I'll never fall in love again. What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia After you do, he'll never phone ya I'll never fall in love again… Don't tell me what's it all about Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out Out of those chains, those chains that bind you That is why I'm here to remind you… What do you get when you fall in love? You only get lies and pain and sorrow So for at least until tomorrow I'll never fall in love again…
Bitterness in love is not a new thing. The literature is filled with love gone wrong. So many stories end in death, as in Romeo and Juliet, and Tristan and Isolde. An entire book has been devoted to the argument that it is romantic love that is the, well, shall I say it, a killer? Love in the Western World, by the cultural writer, Denis de Rougemont, points out that love among the Westerners has turned into a wishful thinking exercise, that has resulted in a high divorce rate. We have dreams of what love aught to be, and little sense about what it is. The shocker comes when one realizes de Rougemont has hit the nail squarely on the head. It is true, that in the world of the romantics, the reason the love is strong and passionate is due to the lovers dying before the affair turns stale.
In my studies of history, including the history of sex, marriage was an event that most individuals looked forward to for many reasons. Contrary to what moderns think, women looked forward to having sex. That is what marriage gave her, the freedom to be sexual. Ditto the male half of the marriage. Here’s another myth I will destroy. Only the upper classes could afford to have mistresses. Some women aristocrats took lovers, but it was a bad business if she was caught. But that ultimately depended on her husband’s attitude. He could choose to look the other way, for many reasons. Many did just that.
Well, back in the day, life was not so cut and dried as moderns think.
What was not complex was that people married, not for romantic reasons, but for practical ones. Many a couple learned to love their spouses over the years. Their purpose in marriage was to get on with life, to have that life-long partner, to have a family, and grow in prosperity. Some couples farmed, others had businesses. The wife staying at home thing, was something that came about during the Industrial Revolution. Marriages were family matters, and important to the overall health of the community. Women were encouraged to have a robust sex life with their husbands. Children were wanted. Even queens could produce a gang of kids. Queen Eleanor, Henry II’s wife, had 8 children with Henry. She also had two daughters with her first husband, Louis VII, of France. Queen Charlotte, George III’s wife, produced 13 children. It is fairly well known that George didn’t sleep around. Imagine that, a king that took his marriage vows seriously.
Moderns tend to equate sex with love. When the sex becomes routine during an affair, the affair goes into the downward spiral. Where’s the love gone? It was never there. Burt and Hal were masters at turning this Western way of love, into fine songs indeed.
The people of Asia do not have this issue. Like our own ancestors, they marry for practical reasons. Thus many women from China marry American men without the need for romantic love. Romantic love is a Western thing.
C.S. Lewis wrote a book on love. The Four Loves is an instructive book. Not only does he review those four loves: eros, philia, storge and agape, he breaks love down into 3 levels. The first level is need love, the second gift love, and the third, the highest, is appreciative love.
Need love is the immature love of children or other dependents, for their parents. Children have needs that need fulfilling so they love for that reason. In children and dependents, it is a necessary love. In an adult, it can be ruinous. The needy give only so they can receive. When it comes to taking care of aging parents, that can be a challenge. The Commandments tell us to “honor our father and mother,” but it doesn’t say we must love them.
Gift love, giving love willingly, is the stuff of healthy relationships. Appreciative love is that love that is always there, no matter the relationship. It is the character, Carton, from A Tale of Two Cities, speaking his last lines before his death, as he gives up his life for the woman he loves:
“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.”
Romantic love in the Western world is represented by Cupid, that cute toddler. Now I ask you, what sort of symbol is that to stand for love? A mature love, that grows with the years, and lasts until death, and beyond? Mature, and growing love, is the love that Eros sends us. Eros is a gown man whose arrows shoot straight and true, not into our hearts but our souls. However, Eros has been sexualized. Like his mother, Aphrodite, the two of them have been turned into romantics. They are anything but. Aphrodite is the goddess of fertility. She will kill you if you don’t marry and reproduce. Eros is a creator god. Because male sexuality is a driving force, that goes beyond shaking the sheets.
In the great story of Psyche and Eros, Eros disobeys his mother to become the husband of Psyche. However, he hides his wife away, as he hides himself away from Psyche. He is not yet mature.
Psyche disobeys her husband because she grows tired of the life they lead, which is, essentially, all about sex. In a weakness brought about from his disappointment in Psyche’s decision to know her husband, Eros returns home to mama, who then attempts to kill Psyche. Whether or not he sleeps in Aphrodite’s basement is not known to us.
Psyche, however, is full of appreciative love. She will make amends. She takes her own hero’s journey, and wins the love of Eros on a higher level. He no longer will hide her away. He openly marries her in the presence of the gods. Psyche, the soul, becomes eternal. For marriage is not only about the passion of the bodies, but the passion of the souls is the foundation. That love comes from knowing an individual.
The great love affairs are nothing without the soul attaching. To illustrate my point, look at the couples on the sarcophagi. These couples are forever loving, with souls intertwined, a team that loves fully, never to let go, ever.
As the lyrics of another love song advises, “Falling in love with love is falling for make believe…” spot on. The real deal is to love. Which is an active verb, not a passive one.
Henry Higgins’ advice to Eliza, says it best when he told her to, “…find what you can appreciate…”